“hold off, Is it a Date?” Podcast Special Episode: 2021 Mailbag | Autostraddle

Grateful trips! By “happy” I mean, things certain sense really bad right now?? And a lot of people have probably got all of our vacation plans changed yet again?? But luckily for us the present to you personally is actually an online one AKA the long-awaited mailbag episode!

We get into difficult thoughts surrounding non-monogamy, fictional characters we might want regarding pod, and so much more. Many thanks to any or all exactly who sent in questions!

PROGRAM NOTES

+ Here you will find the lip recs from Christina!
Very nearly Lipstick from Clinique
and
Powder Puff Lippie from NYX
.

+ whether or not it feels good,
do so
.

+ you simply can’t view Barbara Hammer films online however, if you’re in LA you will find Nitrate Kisses in theatres next month
for free
.

+
Scissoring merch
! get the scissoring merch!

+ An essay on

Paul requires the type of a Mortal Girl

and
my personal brand of sluttiness
.

+ Ro’s
part on dental care dams.

+

The Novice

is out today! view it!

Drew:

I was talking to dad of individuals—

Christina:

Bringing dads into this space!

Drew:

I know — about becoming delighted. And my dad was like, “Oh, really, do you believe it’s because here is the very first union you have become into as yourself?

Christina:

First, dad, that’s thus nice!

Drew:

I am aware! Very sweet dad opinion.

Christina:

Stop, master!

Drew:

And I also ended up being like — very funny so that you could contact dad master.

Theme track performs

Drew:

Hi, I Am Drew!

Christina:

And I’m Christina! Referring to a podcast that we forgot the intro to already.

Drew:

That’s okay! It’s been a bit.

Christina:

Woohoo, this has.

Drew:

This can be

Wait, So Is This a Date?

Christina:

Yes, that podcast.

Drew:

I’ll do your component. Introducing

Hold off, Is It a Date?

An Autostraddle podcast everything about gender and internet dating as queer people who have queer men and women, ideally. Just how, exactly how am I performing?

Christina:

No, i believe you’re smashing it. I believe what is actually actually interesting about any of it episode so is this is actually our very own mailbag episode where we will end up being taking questions from you, the listeners. A number of you submitted sound memos and emails, therefore have the content while the concerns and hopefully the responses, but like, we, I am not going to say any such thing also crazy. I don’t want to get also outlandish, you know?

Drew:

Yeah. We’re questioning along. Should we — I mean, this most likely actually some people’s very first occurrence, however in situation people skipped us, you realize, exposing ourselves, possibly which is someone’s favorite part of the podcast. Thus I think we should introduce our selves.

Christina:

Yeah, definitely.

Drew:

Okay, cool. We’ll go initially. I’m called Drew Gregory. I am an author and a filmmaker and a queer person. I nonetheless identify as a lesbian, but I’ve been making use of that term less, in fact it is possibly something I am able to unpack on the next event. I still in the morning a lesbian, but In addition was like, how much does that also suggest? You are aware? I’m not sure. Labels are amusing, but i am very confident that I’m an author. I’m fairly confident that I’m a filmmaker. Uh, what about you?

Christina:

Yeah. Uh, i’m Christina Tucker, an author at Autostraddle also. I will be additionally a queer individual. I started actually utilizing “queer” a lot more whenever I very first came out and from now on i personally use lesbian possibly just as. I am also very, i simply kind of utilize whatever phrase seems correct, coming out of my personal mouth area from inside the time. And that I you shouldn’t think about it so much more than that. But that is a journey we’re all on, honestly.

Drew:

I help that. I really do think that amounts upwards which we are, that i am love, “i will need certainly to review this someday.” And you are love, “i recently kind of do what I feel plus don’t must think about it.”

Christina:

I very literally select the word that actually works ideal for the little bit, so…

Drew:

Well, yeah. So as you stated, this will be our very own mailbag occurrence. Should we just enter the initial — oh, I also need state before we start that if you sent you a concern therefore we aren’t getting to it, it might be because there happened to be certain matters that were like, oh, I want to unpack this on another complete episode, maybe with a particular guest who be more, you know, perhaps more competent to answer it. Therefore We really value the questions—

Christina:

All of you delivered lots of concerns, that has been cool, but we would n’t have time and energy to will every one of those.

Drew:

Yeah. Nevertheless they happened to be all read.

Christina:

And some of you just sent all of us comments without concerns.

Drew:

And, you are sure that, typically with — when this ended up being a Q&A before or after a movie, it’d wind up as, cannot compliment anyone. There’s a whole audience here, but for this, the only market was Christina and I and Lauren. Therefore truly, comments, fantastic. Thank you so much a whole lot. Truly, excellent.

Christina:

Exciting to receive, genuinely one of my personal primary food teams.

Drew:

Therefore yeah, let’s start with initial concern. Within the vocals memo, the person says that they’re semi-closeted, so we’re gonna neglect names merely to be safe right here. And let us hear this concern.

Anonymous Asker:

So this is originating from an individual who does not have any knowledge about matchmaking at all, mostly because i am semi-closeted and living call at the mainly traditional boonies. Once I graduate twelfth grade, I’m making this one thus I may have a taste of liberty. And I’m recognizing that I’m going to be entering the queer relationship world. This will be a really general query, but exactly how would I ask a girl out for the first time without slipping into a complete on panic and anxiety attack? As you can inform, i am terrible at talking to individuals.

Drew:

This really is an age old, age old concern. Really.

Christina:

It really is. We actually believe that it is the reason we have actually a podcast.

Drew:

Yeah. I mean, I feel like we sort of recognize where i will choose this, in fact it is like, it is more about recognizing that no-one’s proficient at this? I am talking about, maybe individuals fundamentally get great at it because you do so sufficient while sort of squander the — what exactly is it — the visibility therapy or whatever — but like, it really is one particular circumstances the place you simply do it and it becomes easier. And truly, even before I arrived on the scene — I mean, to clarify, I was asking ladies out before I arrived on the scene because of the entire getting a trans person thing. And when In my opinion about the beginning of while I left my personal bad small-town and moved to university and was really asking people away, i must say i got an extremely immediate approach and really ended up being similar, “Hello, want to embark on a romantic date?” And I also think throughout the years, we moved from the that a little bit. But we really nonetheless, we nonetheless believe often it’s fantastic to simply end up being drive and ask someone out, therefore get a very clear answer. I mean, you might like to do the thing where you merely start vague and get someone to go out and you simply, you are sure that, perform a,

Wait, So Is This a Date

online game for some time.

Christina:

Right. Fingers crossed, I hope that message results in. I additionally think in a scenario, like for me, as I began matchmaking, when I was actually queer matchmaking, I became regarding college, way out of my hometown, but I happened to be doing plenty of online dating via software and that really does cut-down the awkwardness since it is like, everyone knows what we should’re right here for. Although i do believe you’ll find obviously downsides to almost any internet dating application, like most things in life, i actually do genuinely believe that variety of getting rid of that shield of similar, oh no, just how uncomfortable is this going to be? Like, is it likely to be like, no, it’s, that is what this really is for platform the place you attended to. Then whenever you, once you make hangout ask, it does necessarily know it really is a night out together for the reason that it’s the reason we’re all right here. Vibing.

Drew:

That’s a great point.

Christina:

I am talking about, i really do realize that really — such as that feeling of like, “Oh no, it is likely to be thus embarrassing because I’m so awkward.” But truthfully the days You will find thought super embarrassing, honestly, most people are similar to, that has been pleasant. Therefore don’t think regarding your awkwardness just in want, this can be awkward and everyone detests me personally. Folks may be like, that is uncomfortable, but it is type of lovely. And that I perform would you like to carry on a date to you. A few things can be correct. I think which is beautiful.

Drew:

Most evident. Yeah. Yeah. I believe we’ve this idea that in the event that you ask some body completely, you ought to be like major top electricity Shane-style, and it’s like, no, you’ll ask someone around as an uncomfortable individual, and that’s a new brand of hot, but it’s nevertheless, it’s still the companies.

Christina:

There are numerous brands of hot.

Drew:

Yeah.

Christina:

Wow. That Is really breathtaking.

Drew:

Great. Well, why don’t we move on to the next question that will be coming from Claire from Australia.

Claire:

Hey, I’ve liked playing all of you from this point in Queensland, Australian Continent, together with a question for each people actually. Christina, what’s this non-transferable lip lining you use on a primary time, and in which is it possible to buy it? And Drew, yours is a little more challenging. How do you understand when you should tune in to the difficult feelings that can come up during a non-monogamous situation when to be effective through them?

Christina:

Wow. Everyone loves that I get a lip and also you get difficult thoughts. In my opinion that is a very beautiful. I will go very first and provide you with time to think about the hard thoughts. So there’s multiple versions of a non-transferable lip. When I was at my personal youthfulness back the outdated mid-aughts, whenever individuals were simply addicted to putting on a matte lipstick, i did so countless, like, Stila mattes are very non-transferable. But listed here is finished . I’m getting older. My skin gets drier. I cannot end up being using a matte lip such as that and not having a dried away lip minute. So now we have moved into a stain, which can be truly cook’s hug. Trigger it can get a little must, but no one actually notices, still look wonderful. Currently a large enthusiast of Clinique. Their own black honey is actually an amazing one plus the Knicks lippie powder-puff, many colors, fades wonderfully. A great lip stain. Get forth making from your own times with fantastic mouth. That is all i’d like for everyone truly. Today, Drew, speak to myself about hard emotions.

Drew:

Tough emotions in non-monogamous connections. Wow. Yeah. Therefore a fun thing that happened during the hiatus we’ve had at this point is We have a girlfriend now.

Christina:

She is incredible!

Drew:

Yeah. I am actually, actually happy. Im merely, I feel like on a daily basis type of discovering new meanings of what relationships and really love and intercourse are, and also maybe not been anywhere near this much of an enchanting since I have was in senior high school therefore was actually all theoretic. Therefore, I’m happy, like to discuss that. I am want, okay. But also what will happen when you’re, you understand, in a relationship you worry about rather than, you know, merely having hookups and fillings and things, is you are checking much more with your own personal boundaries along with your lover’s borders as much as what you discuss. And look, this might be items that i did not share. And I merely moved into the question and was vague, but that is my type of being open when it is love, outlining like particular factors why i would be vague regarding the podcast moving forward, because I do consider in fact it’s important inside our parasocial connections we’ve got with people whom write or folks who have podcasts that like, I don’t know, to share these exact things, to generally share like how I determine my limits, specially as an individual who writes and talks about intercourse very graphically. Anyways, so all that as a preamble to this question—

More details /chubby-senior-gay-dating.html

Christina:

Perspective is king. That’s what we’re always saying.

Drew:

That will be to say that like, i am talking about, you might say, like I’m, I’m in my own very first commitment, like as an individual who’s available about being non-monogamous and navigating that and et cetera. And I also believe simply talking normally, like every union is unique talk. And with the people that are for the reason that relationship, everyone delivers priorities and brings points that are like ideals into the relationship, plus, helps make compromises and contains talks and — or doesn’t, immediately after which that’s a version of that. Right? Therefore I think it really is types of an annoying response, but it’s kind of want, you have to both talk with your self and consult with your lover or lovers, and decide type of, you know, understanding required for you, you are aware, if you’re someone that’s monogamous and you start dating somebody who’s non-monogamous, is one thing you will get familiar with? Exist certain matters that produce you comfortable? Is-it convenient for your needs as soon as lover hooks up with someone which you all learn and it is informal and it is any, or will you, could it be convenient whether they have additional relationships, however they’re maybe not surrounding you at all? Or like all these — there is a lot of ways to have non-monogamous relationships. And I also have no idea if you are asking this from the point of view of somebody who’s very free in non-monogamy and it is probably internet dating someone that is not, or the other way around. But i believe that is frequently a — i will not also say a conflict, it’s just part of being non-monogamous, In my opinion, usually we have actually different connections to non-monogamy.

Christina:

Yeah.

Drew:

For me personally, I could date a person that had a few associates. But typically with non-monogamy, my ideal is to try to day some one where I’m their partner, and we are really not monogamous. Easily had been up to now some one, which can ben’t the existing situation that I’m in, where I happened to be online dating someone that wished to have multiple lovers, I would personally have to be like, okay, what exactly are my thoughts about it person? Just what are my personal feelings precisely how this person interacts? Carry out i believe that that could be something my work for me personally? And figure that out. So you can find relationship characteristics I could maintain in which I’m on one conclusion and where i am on the other side end. And that I believe that just proves that like, it’s simply when it comes to determining in the event the individual you’re internet dating — one, should your thoughts for them are sufficiently strong enough that it is worthwhile, and also if you are suitable adequate inside needs it can easily operate, because sometimes you truly like someone in addition they enjoy you, or you really like someone and so they really love you, also it merely fails out by what both of you desire from a relationship. And that’s sad, but it is in addition exactly the situation. So if to work through difficult feelings is often will be instance by situation. And that I believe that additionally it is extremely dependent on communication styles, as if you’ve got great interaction using person or folks you’re internet dating, it is possible to work through greater than any time you struggle to speak. So those are common my personal rambling thoughts on this thing that I think about alot.

Christina:

I’d like listeners to know that this is the reason I get six-minute voice memos from Drew. Though in equity, this lady has perhaps not delivered me personally a six-minute voice memo really long time.

Drew:

This has been quite a while.

Christina:

But that is often the power. And that I perform feel just like i recently talked one into existence. I can’t wait for the next couple of days.

Drew:

Do you really believe it’s because i am in a relationship?

Christina:

I know it is.

Drew:

I am feeling vulnerable about this now. Yeah. Now I am similar, have always been we a poor friend since I’m in a relationship?

Christina:

I believe it really is great and beautiful and wonderful and great. And that I’m not really clamoring for even more six-minute sound memos.

Drew:

I’m going to send you a six-minute voice memo about my personal connection. Would that end up being enjoyable? Would that be a great thing for you yourself to have?

Christina:

I am talking about, yes, obviously it could. You’re my good friend.

Drew:

Thank-you. Okay. Moving on.

Christina:

Moving on.

Drew:

Let’s see. This sound memo is from Julia.

Julia:

Hey Received. Hey Christina. Listed here is my concern for y’all. Any time you may have any imaginary queer fictional character regarding pod, who does it is and what dating topic are you willing to go over? Thanks for taking these Qs! Bye!

Christina:

This can be these an enjoyable question.

Drew:

That is a good concern. My — truthfully, rather than to be incredibly Autostraddle about this, but my personal instinct reaction had been like, i’d like another period that will be a rest down with every primary fictional character of

The L Term.

And just getting like, “What’s completely wrong along with you?”

Drew:

Yeah. Okay. So I’ve been creating a concerted energy in both my mind and my personal authorship, to share

The L Keyword

less, because i am like, there is a whole lot other things online and like, it is fun that individuals have actually this common vocabulary, {but also|but additionally|